I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
