You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Fuck appropriateness.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
