Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I wish you could order shots online.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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