Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
