guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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