Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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