Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
