Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
