just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
