the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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