This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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