I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
