the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
