why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
