i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
