If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
