I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
