i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
