Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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