So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
