If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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