I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
