please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
