what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Congratulations! We have a period
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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