I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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