I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
