If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
