It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
