i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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