Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
