i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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