Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
