mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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