Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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