Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
