my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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