I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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