her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
