I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
