Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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