ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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