So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
