i jhust puked up my retainher.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
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i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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