you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
