What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
