Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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