I just cut my nipple shaving
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
