Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
