My underwear smells like fireworks.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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