I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
