you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
