Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
