found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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