That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
