Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
