i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
