I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
