forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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